on tuesday the 15th of may, i knew i had seen too much. i would eat meat and animal products until my birthday the 24th. a birthday weak. prior to that i had gone back and forth, sometimes eating meat since the age of eighteen. by that day the 15th the resolutions kept since the beginning of 2012 were: not eating meat for the year, not biting nails, smiling at faces and places everywhere. on tuesday, i felt there would be no going back to meat, or reliance on this economy of food production. but plenty of smiles, and lots more
on wednesday, i fasted again. came back from farming and ate two and a half of dylan’s frozen hot dogs. i felt weak and stupid and also like they would kill me because they were old. there was cheese too, i felt naughty. i think i was sad and fell asleep?
the next day my relationship ended, i invited people over. we talked, i yelled at someone about the economy, and then jesus. they wanted to believe me. one week until my 21st birthday.
friday there was a tiki party. for the first time i wore the zola jesus t-shirt i had gotten for christmas out. it was too small when she got it for me, i wore it every day until my birthday. for the “tiki’ part, i wore my white and blue skirt. i wore these things again next week and a man stalked me out of a park. but that’s next week. i wanted to record the 9 (of 12) remaining tracks for my new album but i was sort of sickly mostly sad and that is mostly impossible. i made only the first song. i think it’s awesome.
saturday, my mother and aunt came to drive me home. we heard a song called “california” by the delta spirit. my aunt was shocked: my 20-something year old cousin’s relationship just ended- she lives in california, but no longer with the person she moved there with. no one knows what will happen to the dogs. “i want you to move to california for yourself, but not for me. i want you to fall in love with someone else, but not for me.” my aunt looked at my mother because of her own daughter’s ended relationship, my mother looked back at me because of me: “do you hear this song?!”
I waited in the car when they got chik-fil-a. in canada somewhere someone with ‘power’ wants to ban masks during protests. only ‘illegal’ ones but i don’t trust the police. i don’t remember the rest of what i did saturday, my only two tweets say the working titles of a couple of songs i was working on friday and “I’m sad” but it’s okay.
Sunday May 20 I wanted to see young chicago authors people, and when i checked facebook milo & otis were having a release show for their album. they changed the tracklisting since then, if you asked me my favorite album right now it would be that album. The Joy. the title song says to look at the world, look at the joy you give, and i need that so i won’t tweet “I’m sad” anymore because look at the joy i give and what’s left to live. i’m getting more and more joyful seeing my friends, feeling home.
people partied after their release show and smoked a lot of blunts. I met benjamin. he is brilliant. i looked at him from across the room a lot, he was quiet. later, he was freestyling jokes and teaching slang. he sat in the room while we smoked blunts.
on tuesday i wore the outfit i wore to the tiki party. at the tiki party, i had had beautiful conversation about globalization and the mars volta and where people were going and felt comfortable and loved and wanted them to feel those things from me. met a new friend virak too. on tuesday may 22 a man hung around while i swung on the swings. when a playing child and father left the area, i did too because i did not know why the man was hanging around me. i started walking, he kept following, i ran away when i got to the trees. i was barefoot, my shoes were a gym shoe and a flip-flop and they were in my bookbag. i liked being barefoot (at the tiki party, i knew no shoes would complete my cypher better than my feet. felt free. kept not caring about shoes).
i saw a friend talked about the world and relationships. she spoke break-up-y even though she was in a committed relationship. i felt like that was cheating (even though it clearly wasn’t, but maybe you can get what i mean?). i let her do it, i felt stupid afterwards. i was still not in a relationship, and what she has is still beautiful. i wonder the dirt of that conversation helped keep her from reaching out to me again. i told her a lot of things. some of them mine, some of them not
at the open mic i was made fun of for not having shoes. by friends, loves, but it happened, i haven’t done it again since then. my mom and i yelled about my skirt, and danger, when i got home. i say to myself “i am just trying to be me”
wednesday i have a big show. i organized a benefit for my birthday, to benefit the center on halsted and young chicago authors. we made as much money as i promised the DJ, he said it was okay. he was very kind to me, i’ve known him for years. seen him places, at events. but that day we stood in the empty venue discussing, he recommended doggsytyle, he opened and carried beers for me, met people with mutual friends, hugged, talked about travels. maybe he knows how i scared i am, maybe any strength i have he feels good about.
things started off slowly, and late. people got closer and quieter, and also louder when the right times came. avery told me to
live my life with honor
look at the people around me right then, my family, and keep them with me
and later to do some push-ups or some shit when i got tired after performing my first song. prelude to the bodybuilding vegan chronicles
milo & otis performed. my mom and cousins were there, at the time of this writing my 3 year old cousin who was not there hates milo & otis because she knows that the words they are singing are not the real lyrics to “baa baa black sheep.”
otis/owen had everyone group hug me. robbie said i was doing adult things. my mom said i should calm down onstage. me jose raych molly, and also fatima and jesse rapped the first verse to intl players anthem because it’s a thing. it was fucking awesome. then raych molly and jesse got raych’s nose pierced. i went to party with britteney for my birthday. called the person i had been in a relationship with a midnight (she texted “if you’re sure” when i told her i was breaking radio silence. i was) and then smoked a joint. ben didn’t sit in us with the room this time when we smoked, he left. i thought about it
i tried to buy a pack of red stripes 20 minutes before my birthday. they did not let me. i gave britteney the money and stepped aside and she bought it. and then justin, the dj from the night, carried it out for me. it was silly, we thought it was silly.
i tweeted about it being a transcendent night. in the morning i went home early, britteney had work. i walked to McDonald’s for double quarter pounders. i do not like the mcdonald’s corporation, i’ve eaten as little of them as possible. i stared at their bag/box ads about 100% white meat, and repeated them aloud. the way humans use words to say things that aren’t true. i dunked chicken nuggets like the picture on the box. i saw a picture with Brett Favre, a motivational poster. I love them. it said something about Leadership, someone who goes ahead, a guiding force. it also said “a commander” but i don’t want to command anyone. I guess it’s still okay to be “commanding”? depends
when I left mcdonald’s I was going to walk to the dentist to set up an appointment. I forgot because my brother picked me up and took me to the gym to see my dad and him play basketball. I still need to set up that appointment. my dad smiled a very noticeable and characteristic-ly sly but full smile when he saw me and my brother walking in, i was wearing my brother julian’s old kansas jersey. my brother paul played, they won, i hadn’t seen him play in a long time so i was glad he implored me not to walk home yet. i had decided i was going to the beach.
my phone was dying, my father let me borrow his self-powered charger. i left my phone at home when i was walking to mcdonald’s but it didn’t charge. that’s the most important sentence i’ve ever written i’m just kidding. i walked to the beach with howard zinn’s a people’s history of the united states, a birthday gift ordered before the breaking up, the hunger games, and jay-z’s almost-memoirs “decoded.” i smiled big as fuck the whole way, i don’t know if i’ve been communicating how incredibly happy and whole i felt. the show and the people had filled me up, people were writing nice things on my facebook, i was healthy, planning, in a week of splurging and excess and telling people i love them and figuring out how to love better. the weather was fucking gorgeous. i looked at my fingers, and the lake.
i laid on the beach reading, getting sand blown on me and my books. i ate a meaty sandwich. i drank the jack daniels i had bought before my meaty sandwich, when my dad drove me around after the gym. the jack daniels was my first alcohol purchase, i told the lady and told her thank you she was like “lul”
there was teenagers everywhere at beach, but there was enough space for people to have fun. someone said “OH NO A BLACK MAN” to their friend who was the only black person in their group, i felt like i had heard that too many times before it made me sad for them because i think that shit is lame from a funny and also from a friendship standpoint. but they just doing things, i wonder if someone’s ever mentioned to them to not do that
I got dos equis from dominick’s that i used to steal alcohol from, then stole a bottle -opener when i realized the swiss-knife ordered for me for my birthday before the break up didn’t have a bottle opener . i hope that’s the last thing i ever steal from a store. i don’t support the institutions of our supermarkets but love is love, and not love is not. basically, i think stealing is bad.
the water was cold. i can’t swim. i let myself float. i counted to ten to go in the second time because i was afraid of the temperature. i want to count to ten more, before doing dope shit. to give me courage, i hope it works
i drank two beers on the street, fast. got qdoba. meaty tacos. took the red line back and got picked up while talking to her. that was good too. i don’t know when i’ll talk to her next, i caught feelings in the midst of knowing the rules of this and what needs to be done.
jesse walker and i ate harold’s, it was the last harold’s supper, watched Nba, and a bulldog rock on a rocking chair on letterman, and letterman be mean, and make someone talk about getting struck by lightning. penis island was a recurring joke on craig ferguson. jesse and i looked for bars, went to a place. he got us two shots and two beers for 15 dollars. i thought that was ridiculous, it was my first time at a bar purchase. we talked about the world, i told him why i was doing what i was going to do, what i’d learned, how i felt. we got to his home drunk and in love with each other, talking about jesus. hugged. in the morning we hugged. said our voices got deep at the same time and we grew beards at the same time. he said we’re growing up together, that was when we hugged, he had just gotten out of bed, i was telling him good-bye. my mother was outside, i got in her car and we got breakfast with my dad. told them about what i was doing, and jesus too.
friday we went to steak & shake in evanston. sasha said “i thought you weren’t eating meat” i said “i won’t after this weekend” she said “you always say that.” dillo day was the next day. i had eaten a chili dog and a double cheese egg burger and had many beers. i said a lot after that this week was about me drinking eating and farting. we have all been very fart-y.
slept in a ghostly guest house. in the morning we drank, partied, sasha’s friend’s sister is cool, i went to a party, ate chicken, josh is turning 21, they surprised him, i was surprised by old friends, i surprised them too, people called me thin this weekend, it is another stage of an old complex, i ate my family’s food at the memorial day barbecue yesterday for the first time in years. i never let them know when i was or wasn’t eating meat. i had one plate, but felt too weird about it still. it was great food. later sasha made me eat the last of her hot dog. my friends watched me. “you always say that” the last thing i ate was cake, my favorite strawberry cake, from jewel, my mom had gotten it for me for my birthday, late a little. i hate the strawberrries but there was no reason for me to keep not eating stawberry cake whole especially if it is my last strawberry cake. i have weird aversion to vegetables and fruits from being me my whole life, but it is time to let go of those things. at jesse’s last night nora and i got chipotle, there was cheese on my tacos, before nora would know that i would eat a hot dog bite later. she tthrew the last part of her chicken burrito in a garbage wrapped up in foil and bag. i thought about getting it out but knew i would have to write about eating a chicken burrito out of the garbage. kind of like when i ate that nestle crunch bar out of the urinal when i was six. kind of like “mind vs matter”
